Gay Pope Cher Doesn't Hate Gay People

My girlfriend told me Cher is a homophobe, and I flipped my shit.

I was like, "What do you mean Gay Pope Cher hates gay people?"

It was heart breaking. It was painful. I had no way to check if what she had said was true because I am the only person, besides my girlfriend, from Seattle that doesn't have a smart phone and we were in the car. My back hurt, my vision blurred. It was worse than when I found out that Cher's last tour was the Farewell Tour and I may have missed the boat on that party and that my girlfriend had gone and that she hated every minute of it.

This was worse.

So everyone is on the same page, Cher's daughter, Chastity Bono, is gay. Well, now she is a man named Chaz Bono. My girlfriend told me that Cher kicked him (when he was a her) out of the house.

Initially, and this is according to Cher, she reacted in a very "un-Cher way." She was upset, though claimed to be "unwilling to admit it to herself", not unaware. She was "devastated." This devastation came before the gender reassignment surgery, when her child went to fight for gay rights.

Reading this, I was devastated. Cher, have you been to one of your concerts?

EVERYONE IS GAY BESIDES YOU.  

I was a ship without a rudder drifting aimlessly at sea and I had no captain. I was a Bishop without my Pope. If I could turn back time I would have never, ever put Heart of Stone in Spain when I was getting my shoes on to head out of the closet. 

I realized that for the first time in my life, I hated something and it was Cher.

However, after my initial heartbreak, I finished the article I was reading. I imagined it would be closure to Cher and my relationship but instead I promptly went and downloaded her anthology for a second time.

Cher came around and currently is doing things in a very Cher way, again. Thank god.

Now, Cher actually wants to strangle Marcus Bachmann, once again her words, not mine. He thinks gay people are "barbarians" that need to be cured. She wants to strangle him with a feather boa. I can't decide if it is hers or his she would use to strangle him. Using his would be more ironic but hers would probably be stronger and he has a pretty thick neck at the top of that fat ass so she is going to need a good one.

Check her Twitter, she has been blowing it up over how she is going to go borrow sequins from Crazy Eyes Bachmann's husband and stuff. I wonder of crazy those eyes would be if Cher showed up on their subsidy-funded house doorstep

In more Cher news, her new album comes out next month and she has a duet with Lady Gaga on it. The song is called "The Greatest Thing" as they must have been feeling extremely literal that day.

If they go on tour together I am going to die and go to gay heaven.

Like that.