Gay Marriage Protests, You’re Friends with the Westboro Baptist Church

On July 24^th, State Senator Ruben Diaz said, “Today we start the battle! Today we start the war!” and I was like, “who is Ruben Diaz?”

For all those who don’t know, July 24^th was the first day gay marriage licenses began being issued in New York State. Almost 3,000 people turned out to protest people they don’t know being in love while almost 830 couples were issued licenses.


Also, Ruben Diaz is the State Senator from Bronx County in New York, the only Democrat to vote against the marriage equality bill and a believer that because the state waived the 24 hour waiting period to file their marriage licenses (presumably because they had already waited 40 years to do it) all the issued licenses were "illegal and criminal." So he is suing the state over it. A Pentecostal minister, he is taking God's word (queers, you go home with no marriage license!) to the street. And everyone knows that is the only thing God ever said.

God obviously isn't interested in teaching people math because between the 1,700-ish people who got married + guests = more proponents than bigots. There were so many people there that there were extra people who just held umbrellas and blocked protesters.

While Ruben “I’m-friends-with-the-Westboro-Baptist-Church” Diaz gets his queer gun; we will be on our honeymoons. Good luck with your lawsuit.

Also, his whole idea about annulling all gay marriages performed in New York puts him front and center for the Congressman with the worst priorities ever. Hey, Senator Diaz, why don’t you find a way to lower the dropout rate in your district. I would make fun of it using up to date numbers, but when searching the county health rankings, your county's was unlisted like you forgot to turn it in, or something.

Actually, I am being too hard on the man.

His congressional district has the second highest, not the highest, teen pregnancy rate. A victory with about (only!) 15,000 more than the average county in New York State. A whopping 55% of people age 25 or older have graduated from high school and that’s more than half. The average income of Bronx county is only twenty thousand dollars less than the median for New York and your district only doubles the average poverty rate at 28% compared to 14%.

Fighting gay marriage is what you need to be doing, Senator Diaz, because if people you don’t know are doing things that you can’t see and don’t affect you, it should be fought tooth, nail and sinker because you feel like God thinks its icky. You are doing the people’s work.


Hey, you know what, run for President. With that laser-like focus on the important issues, you are sure to win.

In better news, my friend Erinn Peet-Lukes was on the radio and she was great (and not friends with the Westboro Baptist Church!) She was on the Bob Rivers Show, check it out!

An Idea to Improve the World

I propose we change the definition of gay panic to something that makes more sense.

And, in fact, we could feel free to completely eliminate the concept of what it means currently and I bet everyone's standard of living would go up. Everyone, everywhere.

For those who don't know, gay panic is a term used in the court room. Actual courtrooms, not just the ones on TV. The gay panic defense is a legal defense for when a homophobe decides to kill a gay person because of unwanted sexual advances. The dick, Brandon McInerney used when he was in the court room.

It started when Gwen Araujo was killed a few years ago. Apparently when they found out she was actually born a he, they got so worked up that they panicked and killed her. Fortunately, the jury is instructed not to considering their verdict, so that is kind of nice. Whatever, he should go to jail forever. Sorry you had shitty parents who taught you to hate gays.

Anyway, I came up with some alternate meanings for the word that, I think, would be better served by be the meaning behind "gay panic".
+ in economic terms, the gay panic is the change in Bible sales when gays begin moving into a town. (nobody gets shot)
+ when Cher tickets are going on sale and your iPhone is dead
+ when someone demands a gay become hysterical (gay, panic!)
+ what results after the phrase "YOU LOST MY DOGS?!"

In better news, New York City starts allowing people to get gay marriage certificates today. They started issuing gay marriage licenses and  its the Lord's day.  Granted, there was a massive protest, I like to think of it as "we love to hate love" protests. The protesters? Christians who hate love.

Here is what you are protesting

More terrifying than nuclear weapons.

Love: A Battlefield

Deliver us from destruction, Pat.

With the celebration of legalization in New York subsiding and the lottery for gay marriage licenses to be issued on the 24^th planned and ready to go, people across the country and weighing in on the issue of same sex marriage.

Everyone is weighing in on someone else’s life.

Glitter bombs are being thrown at Republicans left, right and in Wisconsin. Verbal bombs are being dropped as pastors speak of gay marriage being a more imminent threat than nuclear proliferation, (I’m serious, look here) it is hard to believe that all of this is necessary.

I mean serious, we have been here, queer and asking you to get used to it for almost forty years and glitter bombs are still being thrown. (Newt and Crazy Eye’s Bachmann’s super queen husband’s clinic received most of the damage, however it looks like Pride may have experienced a thorough glitter carpet bombing, but they liked it.)

In lieu of this, I am calling for some reason. I am calling for reprieve and I am calling for a change. Popes, pastors, queers and straights, open your hearts and minds to what I am about to say.

Pat Benetar is no longer just an artist, she is a prophet. (....and iiiiiccccoooonnnnn)

Granted, since Perez v Sharp, a Supreme Court case originating in Texas which deemed the ban on interracial marriage unconstitutional, the “sacred” (shot-gun?) institution of marriage has been no stranger to litigation and judicial review. However, this gay thing is unprecedented.

Back in 1984, Benetar gave a voice to today’s current fight without even understanding the WWII quality it would take on (for some). You’re right, Pat. I have been searching my heart for a long time however, I do have some demands now. 

Granted, I think the "battlefield" is actually in reference to the relationship however history is rife with examples of people who glossed over the actual parameters of prophecy and focused in the parts that fit, so I feel no need to adhere to her specifics. My declaration, my rules.

And I mean, come on. Everyone else is talking about how love is like oxygen when mine placed me in a stranglehold of deprivation and derogation. People speak of the value of loving their neighbor while mine call me faggot, which isn't even right as I am a chick, so don’t bullshit me about love. I understand love.  I understand the bind it puts you in and the bullets you take for it.

Most bombs aren’t filled with glitter, straights, just the gay ones. Verbal attacks certainly are not showering me with glitter either.

So please, if you find the time please call the (gay) Pope (Cher) and let her know you have seen the light and heard the words of the light, the truth and the way.

Oh, and grab your love guns ‘cause the glitter is a-flyin. 

Not for the Thinking Man

HUNDREDS OF GERMS ON MY SOAP DISPENSER!

....after touching that you would need to wash your hands. Oh, wait.
Good job on that, Dettol Cleaning Products.

Dolly Parton, I Never Knew I Loved You

Dolly Parton loves the gays even though she isn't one, despite all the rumors. This makes her a shining beacon of hope that people from the religious south will come around. Instead of decrying gays for being gays, she claims God made us this way, a sentiment I cannot relate to but do appreciate.

 (I do certainly hope the Dolly Parton sex dungeon rumor is true, but I honestly hope that for most people.)

Thank you for your support Dolly. Your gay fan count is up by one today.

FREE THE BOOB-RISTAS!

OHMYGOD YOU’RE KIDDING ME THE BARISTAS AT JAVA JUGS FLASHED THEIR CUSTOMERS? THERE ARE BOOBS AT JAVA JUGS?

No, really. This must be a joke. (It isn’t, look here.)

The real joke is they were arrested for it. They were arrested for trading tits for tips, but like, that was always what was happening.

The place is called Java Jugs. The jugs in no way refer to larger than normal coffee containers. So. Come on. I feel like actual breasts are far less offensive than ones covered up by shitty t-shirts that are used to get commuters to pull up and order a shitty latte. (Who knows, it might be a good latte, but I doubt it. Good coffee uses no gimmicks.)

Charged with prostitution and indecent exposure, these 3 or 4 ladies were put into jail for using what “God gave them” in order to get more substantial tips because lord knows they make minimum wage.

This is not a crime. It is no different from taking verbal beating in any other customer service setting where you lose your humanity in order to get paid. In fact, maybe in doing this, these girls may, in some small way, have reclaimed their humanity a little bit. Instead of being objectified while wearing tiny t-shirts, they subjectified men and took a lot of their money. This was a business deal. 

Everyone loves boobs. Everyone. Gay men. Straight men. Women. Everyone. Why are they being criminalized?

As for the indecent exposure.  Is it their skin that was offensive or the idea of nudity? Or, let me ask the question this way, had they been wearing pasties (nipple shaped pasties) would they have gotten in trouble?

The place is called Java Jugs. I cannot reiterate that enough as the whole reason these men were going there was for the boobs. The idea is to sell breasts with morning joe. I don’t understand why showing the actual breast is an arrestable crime when constantly alluding to them by putting up a drive-thru is not. Is skin a crime when blatant, overt and public objectification is not?

The moral of the story though is that to catch these girls committing a “crime”, the cops, who were in plain clothes, filmed them. The girls had no idea they were going to be in porn. (And you know people who think boobs are crimes think that movies with boobs in them are porn, so don't tell me its evidence.) The cops committed a creep crime of forcing someone to be in porn without telling them and no one even blinks an eye. But the natural human body comes out and people are covering them?

Forced porn or exposed boobs, which is the crime? I don’t know, but I do feel like those cops have taken a little bit of joy from men with extra money and few perks in their lives. In this situation, nobody wins.

Uh, and ladies, quit doing stuff like that. The third wave of feminism should not be about giving back the rights and respect we are still fighting for. Come on.

Ross Douthat: Not Good at His Job.

But it doesn’t matter, because all good people don’t read your column or don’t know who you are.

[This straight guy wrote a piece on gay marriage and queer theory in hopes that his superior dick-in-vagina logic could debunk marriage equality as being a good thing. He outlines gay marriage conservatism – the idea we’s gays can be assimilated into marriage. Then the “liberationists”, or the folks that hope to completely free society from the confines of the marriage box. And third, Dan Savage (only gay person ever) and whatever bullshit he happens to be thinking.]

And he ends with this bullshit. “And the less specific and more inclusive an institution becomes, the more likely people are to approach it casually, if they enter it at all.”

Those weren’t Ross Douthat’s words exactly, he was speaking about critics’ thoughts. (I am not sure if he is exactly a critic BECAUSE HE IS A BAD OP-ED WRITER, however he screams douche so I think he may be.)


Note: Ross Douthat is the former ediot and chief at The Atlantic. His opinions are fairly evident.

He did however, of his own volition, warn gay people of the hardship of marriage because sometimes they hardest promises to keep are the ones that keep people together.

Ross, gay people aren’t retarded. In fact many of us come from divorced, straight people houses. Marriage is hard, the point is you can’t exclude people because you think the way they have sex is gross.

Ross, we gays understand. You know when it can be hard to stay together? When you have to sit out a family holiday because “my grandmother just won’t understand.” It isn’t that I can’t go, but I would just rather not upset an old lady. An old lady who is upset for nothing. However, this old lady happens to be my beloved's grandmother. The only unreasonable old woman I can't upset. While Dan Savage (only gay person ever) may call me spineless, and he may have the insight to do so, you sir lecturing me on how societal constraints and expectations can make it hard to stay together is outrageous.

Yes, Dan Savage thinks banging his hotboy neighbor will save his marriage however you will find that many gay relationships don’t operate like that. Or, and this is novel, maybe you have considered gay relationships can sometimes have a different dynamic that straight relationships. Oh, and, when two women date there is yet a different dynamic.


Also, for the record, good for Dan and Terry. Said it yourself Ross, marriage is difficult.

Every relationship is different (and special, I am sure). However, there is no real argument against marriage equality. Marriage is about property and money. Procreation, yes, but ultimately women and children only used to be property. Things change.  Like it or not, gays have a lot of those things and we pay taxes.  Therefore we get to get married.

Bottom line: if marriages fall apart, they were not meant to be. Gay or straight. Further, ever heard of the ‘Merican tradition of the shot gun wedding? Rod Stewart mentions it, so do the Simpsons and King of the Hill. Straights have been rushing into these sacred life contacts with 1500 thousand benefits for years. 
Marriage has changed.

Stop it. Your article was stupid. GTFO.  

>>Here it is: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/04/opinion/04douthat.html?ref=opinion