Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Gay Pope Cher Doesn't Hate Gay People

My girlfriend told me Cher is a homophobe, and I flipped my shit.



I was like, "What do you mean Gay Pope Cher hates gay people?"

It was heart breaking. It was painful. I had no way to check if what she had said was true because I am the only person, besides my girlfriend, from Seattle that doesn't have a smart phone and we were in the car. My back hurt, my vision blurred. It was worse than when I found out that Cher's last tour was the Farewell Tour and I may have missed the boat on that party and that my girlfriend had gone and that she hated every minute of it.

This was worse.

So everyone is on the same page, Cher's daughter, Chastity Bono, is gay. Well, now she is a man named Chaz Bono. My girlfriend told me that Cher kicked him (when he was a her) out of the house.

Initially, and this is according to Cher, she reacted in a very "un-Cher way." She was upset, though claimed to be "unwilling to admit it to herself", not unaware. She was "devastated." This devastation came before the gender reassignment surgery, when her child went to fight for gay rights.

Reading this, I was devastated. Cher, have you been to one of your concerts?
EVERYONE IS GAY BESIDES YOU.  

I was a ship without a rudder drifting aimlessly at sea and I had no captain. I was a Bishop without my Pope. If I could turn back time I would have never, ever put Heart of Stone in Spain when I was getting my shoes on to head out of the closet. 

I realized that for the first time in my life, I hated something and it was Cher.

However, after my initial heartbreak, I finished the article I was reading. I imagined it would be closure to Cher and my relationship but instead I promptly went and downloaded her anthology for a second time.

Cher came around and currently is doing things in a very Cher way, again. Thank god.

Now, Cher actually wants to strangle Marcus Bachmann, once again her words, not mine. He thinks gay people are "barbarians" that need to be cured. She wants to strangle him with a feather boa. I can't decide if it is hers or his she would use to strangle him. Using his would be more ironic but hers would probably be stronger and he has a pretty thick neck at the top of that fat ass so she is going to need a good one.

Check her Twitter, she has been blowing it up over how she is going to go borrow sequins from Crazy Eyes Bachmann's husband and stuff. I wonder of crazy those eyes would be if Cher showed up on their subsidy-funded house doorstep

In more Cher news, her new album comes out next month and she has a duet with Lady Gaga on it. The song is called "The Greatest Thing" as they must have been feeling extremely literal that day.

If they go on tour together I am going to die and go to gay heaven.

Like that.


Friday, August 12, 2011

A Mobile Disco Goes Mobile

I have been everywhere but at the computer for the last two weeks.

#1:  New York City
I went to NYC for the first time and it was like spending an entire weekend inside of a very hot, crowded aquarium. I did originally have hope because I had read that the heat wave had broken over the city's asphalt shores, but failed to realize that a heat wave breaking for New Yorkers is still fifteen (500) degrees warmer than any day in Seattle.

Also, my hotel, courtesy of my employer, was right in Times Square, the WORLD'S WORST PLACE.

Complaining aside, it is important to note that I didn't die, but I did go to 24 gay weddings in Central Park. It was an event called Pop Up Chapel, which was put on by eight of our ULC Ministers. Astoundingly beautiful and touching, this event, at least temporarily, helped me find some humanity and decency in the Marriage Equality debate.

Look:


I literally cried the whole time, or it was sweat. I can't be sure looking back because it was one big, happy, protest free blur. The only time we thought we saw a protester was actually a man selling bike tours and the conversation went like this:
Me: Why don't you agree with gay marriage?
Bike Tour Salesman:  Bike tour?
Me:  Bike tour.

Looks to me like NYC no longer cares about queers going to get hitched because even when we spent all day rubbing it in everyone's sweaty faces, no one cared. Or maybe it was too hot.

#2 SHAMBHALA (Nelson, BC, Canada)

The second trip I went on I left for just days after I arrived home from New York City and it was JUST AS HOT. Seattle must have the coldest summers of all time. This was more of an undertaking as it was a fourteen person, international road-trip to what can only be describe as "some serious hippy shit."

Shambhala:  Canada's premier electronic music festival.

Getting there was quite the adventure. I'll spare you the details, but just know that we got stuck in some two-bit horse and buggy town called Princeton for awhile and found out that beer in Canada is like $12 for the worst six pack available.

No booze but everything else was welcome. Not being much of a raver or a hippy, I was a loving and benevolent (swearing and slave-driving) DD. While I would love to tell you that I had a great time plastering myself up against some sub-stacks while I let the sound own my soul, that didn't happen. I did see someone doing that though, they had pupils the size of Jupiter's moons.

Overall, it was a great trip. The sun would come up and in fifteen minutes you would burst forth from your tent almost naked and dripping sweat, scrambling to find sunscreen so you could drag yourself over to the river and plant yourself in it.

I am also not much of a schedule master, in fact, I didn't look at it once. Shambs is a 24 hour musical festival (well, 22, the music was off from 10AM-Noon, which left the campgrounds eerily silent) so the schedule was awful confusing to look at. This is my way of saying I didn't really see any of the big names, but I did see some music, cause I was there.

Two people you don't know about but should:

ill-esha


dj laura/lowriders



Blow them up, because more hot chicks should be on stage.