Hey Champ! Come Play My House.

 

This weekend everyone should sit down and write a letter to this ivy-league duo to tell them to get off their lazy Princeton educated, lawyer asses and come to Seattle to play a show at my apartment.

Its a true story, members Saam Hagshenas and Johnathan Marks went to Princeton. They were discovered by Lupe Fiasco and they currently have no shows planned. I know for certain SeaTac flies directly to O'Hare, so lets make this happen.

Their Soundcloud
Buy their album

You Won't Want to Leave the Stay Hotel in New York City

This combination of luxury and location makes for a perfect weekend trip to the Big Apple.

In the city that never sleeps, it is paramount a visitor can find someone comfortable to rest their head. Between the luxurious white sheets at the Stay.Hotel you will forget the world outside, even though on the other side the window is the chaos of countless vendors and the world’s most spectacular shows.

Two nights here and I genuinely wondered if my own bed would ever feel the same. My living room is also remiss of glass art and floor to ceiling fish tanks full of exotic beauties whose sightings are normally saved for BBC documentaries and island vacations. Through the lobby you will also find one of New York’s premier nightclubs that will come as a surprise as none of the noise travels up into the rooms.

If you have never been to New York City or if you frequent the streets, you will appreciate the short walk to the most important places in the world’s most exciting city. In the backyard of Times Square and just a few minutes walk down Broadway to Central Park, you will be able to begin your vacation as soon as you drop off your bags.

The hotel’s staff is very friendly and will be more than happy to call a cab, give you directions or debate amongst themselves the best recommendation for dinner in the city. Stay also understands if you’re swept up in the city and will need a late checkout with complimentary bottled water and offers packages to suit travelers with these needs.

Whether you are in New York City for one night, or an entire month, the Stay.Hotel will leave you wanting to do just that, Stay.

Tebow: Signs of a Second Coming

The Chosen people have found their quarterback.

If God wanted to communicate with His people, football may be the best way to do it. With the Superbowl garnering comparable attention to Christmas, and the recession in full swing, a different day may capitulate the first-born savior's monopoly on the most important day of the year.

It is true, Tebow may very well be the second coming of Christ. Have you seen this man chuck a football? Its like he looks out over his eye black and into the Hall of Fame heaven, and he has just begun. Hopefully, unlike his predecessor, he will not be struck down in the prime of his career.

This last weekend, during Tebow’s monumental and historic game where he threw an 80-yard touchdown pass to beat the Steelers, you were actually able to see the hand of God break through the clouds and pat him on the ass. His eye black that day said Phil 4:6-7.

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (The verse seen on Tebow’s eye black)


And he obviously wasn’t anxious, waiting until the overtime to throw the ball and win the game. This need for adrenaline seems to be something God and Tebow have in common, while they could save the world/game early on, they prefer to work in more mysterious ways in order to build suspense.


What is even crazier is the Dan Brown type connection Tebow seemed to have with the number 316 that day. He passed for 316 yards with 31.6 yards as his average completion. This, to me, seems as though God is overwhelmingly telling his chosen people, Americans, to watch for Tebow as the second coming.


This lead to a flood of popularity never before seen by the King of Kings as John 3:16 became the most popular item searched on Google, God's window to the world. With both of His sons trending, it is likely that God feels more on top of the world than ever.

So, sorry starving children, foreclosed families and failing schools, God and his outspoken Evangelical BFF Superstar Tebow are busy tossing a pigskin around God's new house, The Denver Stadium. 


Maybe in 9 years, when Tebow comes of age, he will save you. Until then, it is only games will be saved.

Chris Christy: Biggest Thing at Camp Romney

No please, go on Gov. Christy.

Stone cold fox

     Governor Chris Christy (R – NJ) gave his buttoned up endorsement to Mitt Romney, the once front runner in the race for the Republican candidacy in the 2012 presidential race.

      

     When speaking on behalf of Mr. Romney this weekend in Exeter, N.H., in the town’s high school to be exact, Mr. Christy was heckled and responded with an ever ambiguous “You know, something may be going down tonight, but it ain’t going to be jobs, sweetheart.”

      

     The obvious problem with the response is not the supposed sexual nature. It is true, Governor Christy may have been announcing his pending escapades planned for after he was done rubbing elbows with mega millionaire, but painstakingly Mormon, Mitt Romney who would not be having the same evening. Fellatio aside, there is actually a bigger and equally demeaning problem with his statement.

      

     The more obvious problem of this statement, if you were to shift the meaning of “going down” to something a little more,  lets say urban, and intending it to mean “happening” then Mr. Christy underhandedly reinforced the statements made by these loud women. He could have been saying that people would not be going to night shifts at factories, or that people would be leaving home early as they were underemployed. This, I think, is more likely than the idea that Christ Christy might be getting a blow job.

     After Chris's declaration in question, he then went on to insult the woman, saying something about New Jersey voters were more intelligent than New Hampshire voters. This is impossible. The state that invents Jersey shore is forever ineligible to be know as the smart state.

     

     It is impossible to tell the effects of this statement as it was the governor from a different state and most people do not know who Mr. Christy is, and upon seeing him, would expect Chris Christy to say something like that. Who knows, maybe it will help Mitt Romney be anything but boring.

      

One thing that is clear? President Obama should be thanking Republicans.

Bruce Dan Died at 64

The man who linked tampons to toxic shock died today of...toxic shock. No way!

You got me, that isn't true. Men can't get toxic shock syndrome. It is just another woman problem, like dishes, depression and dirty laundry.

Alright, you got me again, men can get TSS.

How do men get TSS, you ask? Because the bacteria that causes it gets into their skin,usually through surgery. Usually prosthesis installments, but not always. Similar to a staff infection, people who have allowed it into their bodies will suffer high fevers, a whole body skin rash and eventually organ failure.

TSS burst into the American psyche in the 1970s and 1980s when scores of previously healthy women developed the disease and dropped dead in days. A commonality between them, besides their general good health, was that they were all on their period. It was soon discovered that a lubricant used on the super absorbent tampon, Rely, made by Procter&Gamble, who still makes tampons, was a bacteria magnet.

This discovery also drastically increases the anxiety felt by little girls upon discovering they are a woman now. Something that is unnecessary and redundant. So thanks for that, God.

What am I getting at here? A man who has saved thousands of lives, not just lady lives but all types, is being forever commemorated by dirty tampon talk and a thorough discussion on TSS, an obituary you are truly happy the person will never have to read.

Really though, thanks Dr. Dan Bruce.

Also worth noting about him, his BA was in aeronautics and he got a degree in biomedical engineering one year later. This goes to show that they just don't make us kids like they used to.

A History of Labor Day

This goes out to all my friends who had to work on the day of the year everyone should have off.

The History of Labor Day:

A testament to the economic and social advances of the laborer, Labor Day has been celebrated by everyone who can afford to take the day off for more than a century. Legislation began in Oregon in 1885 and quickly spread to other states around the union, eventually culminating with a federal law and a parade in 1909. One hundred years later it is celebrated by a speech by Obama and two of my roommates not getting the day off.

I also can't go to the bank today. And the buses run on the holiday schedule, which is basically never.

President Obama gave a labor day speech today. Per usual, he looked great and wore no tie. He spoke of the advancement of the labor movement, about the change to the 40 hour work week and the 8 hour day (1937). The introduction of the minimum wage (1930s), family leave and Social Security (1935).

The last major, and mention-able, advancement in the labor movement was in 1937. Though minimum wage has inched up to just about able support an austere, bargain hunting family and people now covet a 40 hour work week, there hasn't been much done to honor the laborer besides giving them this additional day off.

Also, this year with 9.1% of the country being unemployed, millions will not notice that labor day even happened because labor day, and every other Monday, is a celebration of how America does such a fine job of importing their goods that people don't have to go to work any day.

Contemporary Ways to Honor the Laborer:


With the current celebration seeming a touch out of date, I had some ideas of my own.

We should celebrate labor day not by closing the bank, but by sending all the people who normally don't work (retirees, children, soccer moms, etc) to work at Radio Shack and the bank and give all the people who usually do work a chance to run their errands during a week day when establishments less crowded.

Or, maybe on labor day,everyone who has a job also gets a free breakfast at McDonalds and discount tickets to Wild Waves (or any other local six flags). Maybe it could just be laborer day at Wild Waves.

That might be nice, a trip to the water park to thank people for working hard to, especially in Washington State, just lose a higher percent of their income to taxes while their supervisors, who have a better job anyway, can use labor day to enjoy all the extra income they get to keep because their tax bracket is higher. They can send their kids to the water park any day they want to, some of them every day, should it be desired.

Or maybe we could make labor day an income equality event and have one day where the average laborer could experience the grandeur of  what it is like to have expendable income and what it is like to not have to worry about money for a minute.

Maybe labor day should be a day that everyone who has a job but it doesn't offer insurance gets to go to the doctor. You can bring your spouse/child for half price and maybe they can get the glasses they have been needing for more than a year.

Those would be ways to actually thank the laborer, help them advance and not strip them of dignity as they have to explain that, though they spend their day toiling, their children can't get new clothes for this school year because there just isn't enough money. Their hours got cut at work because maintaining profit margins is more important than their life and the kids of the "job creators" still have a college fund. Maybe you could close some of the corporate tax loopholes and change some of the laws that have eliminated the need for large firms to actually compete and allow them to steamroll their competition while not paying any taxes.

At least they don't have parades anymore so the roads can at least stay open, unlike the Post Office.

Bottom Line:  To honor a laborer, quit making them feel like shitty the other 364 days a year.

To Riverside, CA and Back: A Tale About How it is Too Hot in Bakersfield

I went all the way to Riverside, CA and all I got was a lousy Birkenstock tan.

True story. Its like, 2200 miles round-trip. My girlfriend and I just spent a week chaperoning a good friend to Riverside, CA from Seattle, WA. Two places that really, couldn't have less in common. 

Ex. 1:  Liquor stores:  

Liquor stores in California are everywhere. Or, more correctly put, everything is a liquor store. Need shoes? Buy a pair that don't need socks and you can grab some rum at the register. Got a late night craving? Hope it is for booze because to get to the chips, you have to pass the vodka. Lost and need directions? Well, the gas station may not know where I-5 is, but they are having a sale of two packs of Smirnoff. 

The liquor store was a totally different brand of fucking nuts. It wasn't a seedy corner mart in the parking lot of the Super 8 or anything, but it was this place called Liquor Expo. We thought it was like, a special event or something.

It wasn't.

It was however, a warehouse full of liquor deals. I'm serious, we got a half gallon of Rich&Rare for $13. Now, I'm no cowboy, so I don't know much about whiskey but that seems like a pretty good deal because that is like, $1.50 per hangover, depending on your size.

Ex 2:  Turn Signals

I was raised and grew into a woman who thinks that turn signals are incredibly important. Maybe the most significant and noteworthy thing about the back of a car, even. In California, and I drove through the entire state, doesn't have any turn signals. This may driving appear impossible, or at least impossibly lucky because no one died in front of me.

This is how I change lanes:  turn on signal, wait 5 seconds, glance & go. (And you know, I used to feel pretty reckless)

This is how Californians change lanes:  without hesitation. (Turns out, I'm a pussy)

California drivers are the worst. Real talk, I don't hesitate to criticize people but I do try to avoid hating people because of the way they are, you know. Maybe they were born that way, or something. Personal choices are not the business of anyone else and we shouldn't ban any type of person, etc, right?
Wrong.
This kind of behavior is destroying the fiber of the American Family and seeks to subvert the very ground our country was built upon. These drivers are barbarians that need to be cured.
(I think California drivers make more sense in this argument than gay people do because not using your turn signals can actually ruin your family or kill someone. Ya dig?)

Despite the differences,  Riverside was a pretty cool place. I know lots of people will disagree with that statement but I really like pupusas. You see, in Seattle you can only get them at Guanaco's Tacos, really. And that pupuseria on Aurora. Its wayyy north and I really strive to never go that direction on that road. So super thumbs up on that.

photo credit insidesocial.com

(Pupusa:  A Salvadorian food. From El Salvador, not Mexico. It is a thick corn tortilla filled, generally, with pork, cheese and spices however, in Seattle you can get them sans meat if you're like that.

Generally, you can buy one for like $2.50 and they come with a side of cabbage slaw that isn't doused in mayonaisse and probably won't kill you in fifteen minutes but you should expect to fall asleep if you eat more than once. Don't worry, you'll be fine.)

   

Seriously, never pay more than $4 for a pupusa. That is a tidbit I'm re-gifting to you from college.