Bruce Dan Died at 64

The man who linked tampons to toxic shock died today of...toxic shock. No way!

You got me, that isn't true. Men can't get toxic shock syndrome. It is just another woman problem, like dishes, depression and dirty laundry.

Alright, you got me again, men can get TSS.

How do men get TSS, you ask? Because the bacteria that causes it gets into their skin,usually through surgery. Usually prosthesis installments, but not always. Similar to a staff infection, people who have allowed it into their bodies will suffer high fevers, a whole body skin rash and eventually organ failure.

TSS burst into the American psyche in the 1970s and 1980s when scores of previously healthy women developed the disease and dropped dead in days. A commonality between them, besides their general good health, was that they were all on their period. It was soon discovered that a lubricant used on the super absorbent tampon, Rely, made by Procter&Gamble, who still makes tampons, was a bacteria magnet.

This discovery also drastically increases the anxiety felt by little girls upon discovering they are a woman now. Something that is unnecessary and redundant. So thanks for that, God.

What am I getting at here? A man who has saved thousands of lives, not just lady lives but all types, is being forever commemorated by dirty tampon talk and a thorough discussion on TSS, an obituary you are truly happy the person will never have to read.

Really though, thanks Dr. Dan Bruce.

Also worth noting about him, his BA was in aeronautics and he got a degree in biomedical engineering one year later. This goes to show that they just don't make us kids like they used to.

A History of Labor Day

This goes out to all my friends who had to work on the day of the year everyone should have off.

The History of Labor Day:

A testament to the economic and social advances of the laborer, Labor Day has been celebrated by everyone who can afford to take the day off for more than a century. Legislation began in Oregon in 1885 and quickly spread to other states around the union, eventually culminating with a federal law and a parade in 1909. One hundred years later it is celebrated by a speech by Obama and two of my roommates not getting the day off.

I also can't go to the bank today. And the buses run on the holiday schedule, which is basically never.

President Obama gave a labor day speech today. Per usual, he looked great and wore no tie. He spoke of the advancement of the labor movement, about the change to the 40 hour work week and the 8 hour day (1937). The introduction of the minimum wage (1930s), family leave and Social Security (1935).

The last major, and mention-able, advancement in the labor movement was in 1937. Though minimum wage has inched up to just about able support an austere, bargain hunting family and people now covet a 40 hour work week, there hasn't been much done to honor the laborer besides giving them this additional day off.

Also, this year with 9.1% of the country being unemployed, millions will not notice that labor day even happened because labor day, and every other Monday, is a celebration of how America does such a fine job of importing their goods that people don't have to go to work any day.

Contemporary Ways to Honor the Laborer:


With the current celebration seeming a touch out of date, I had some ideas of my own.

We should celebrate labor day not by closing the bank, but by sending all the people who normally don't work (retirees, children, soccer moms, etc) to work at Radio Shack and the bank and give all the people who usually do work a chance to run their errands during a week day when establishments less crowded.

Or, maybe on labor day,everyone who has a job also gets a free breakfast at McDonalds and discount tickets to Wild Waves (or any other local six flags). Maybe it could just be laborer day at Wild Waves.

That might be nice, a trip to the water park to thank people for working hard to, especially in Washington State, just lose a higher percent of their income to taxes while their supervisors, who have a better job anyway, can use labor day to enjoy all the extra income they get to keep because their tax bracket is higher. They can send their kids to the water park any day they want to, some of them every day, should it be desired.

Or maybe we could make labor day an income equality event and have one day where the average laborer could experience the grandeur of  what it is like to have expendable income and what it is like to not have to worry about money for a minute.

Maybe labor day should be a day that everyone who has a job but it doesn't offer insurance gets to go to the doctor. You can bring your spouse/child for half price and maybe they can get the glasses they have been needing for more than a year.

Those would be ways to actually thank the laborer, help them advance and not strip them of dignity as they have to explain that, though they spend their day toiling, their children can't get new clothes for this school year because there just isn't enough money. Their hours got cut at work because maintaining profit margins is more important than their life and the kids of the "job creators" still have a college fund. Maybe you could close some of the corporate tax loopholes and change some of the laws that have eliminated the need for large firms to actually compete and allow them to steamroll their competition while not paying any taxes.

At least they don't have parades anymore so the roads can at least stay open, unlike the Post Office.

Bottom Line:  To honor a laborer, quit making them feel like shitty the other 364 days a year.

To Riverside, CA and Back: A Tale About How it is Too Hot in Bakersfield

I went all the way to Riverside, CA and all I got was a lousy Birkenstock tan.

True story. Its like, 2200 miles round-trip. My girlfriend and I just spent a week chaperoning a good friend to Riverside, CA from Seattle, WA. Two places that really, couldn't have less in common. 

Ex. 1:  Liquor stores:  

Liquor stores in California are everywhere. Or, more correctly put, everything is a liquor store. Need shoes? Buy a pair that don't need socks and you can grab some rum at the register. Got a late night craving? Hope it is for booze because to get to the chips, you have to pass the vodka. Lost and need directions? Well, the gas station may not know where I-5 is, but they are having a sale of two packs of Smirnoff. 

The liquor store was a totally different brand of fucking nuts. It wasn't a seedy corner mart in the parking lot of the Super 8 or anything, but it was this place called Liquor Expo. We thought it was like, a special event or something.

It wasn't.

It was however, a warehouse full of liquor deals. I'm serious, we got a half gallon of Rich&Rare for $13. Now, I'm no cowboy, so I don't know much about whiskey but that seems like a pretty good deal because that is like, $1.50 per hangover, depending on your size.

Ex 2:  Turn Signals

I was raised and grew into a woman who thinks that turn signals are incredibly important. Maybe the most significant and noteworthy thing about the back of a car, even. In California, and I drove through the entire state, doesn't have any turn signals. This may driving appear impossible, or at least impossibly lucky because no one died in front of me.

This is how I change lanes:  turn on signal, wait 5 seconds, glance & go. (And you know, I used to feel pretty reckless)

This is how Californians change lanes:  without hesitation. (Turns out, I'm a pussy)

California drivers are the worst. Real talk, I don't hesitate to criticize people but I do try to avoid hating people because of the way they are, you know. Maybe they were born that way, or something. Personal choices are not the business of anyone else and we shouldn't ban any type of person, etc, right?
Wrong.
This kind of behavior is destroying the fiber of the American Family and seeks to subvert the very ground our country was built upon. These drivers are barbarians that need to be cured.
(I think California drivers make more sense in this argument than gay people do because not using your turn signals can actually ruin your family or kill someone. Ya dig?)

Despite the differences,  Riverside was a pretty cool place. I know lots of people will disagree with that statement but I really like pupusas. You see, in Seattle you can only get them at Guanaco's Tacos, really. And that pupuseria on Aurora. Its wayyy north and I really strive to never go that direction on that road. So super thumbs up on that.

photo credit insidesocial.com

(Pupusa:  A Salvadorian food. From El Salvador, not Mexico. It is a thick corn tortilla filled, generally, with pork, cheese and spices however, in Seattle you can get them sans meat if you're like that.

Generally, you can buy one for like $2.50 and they come with a side of cabbage slaw that isn't doused in mayonaisse and probably won't kill you in fifteen minutes but you should expect to fall asleep if you eat more than once. Don't worry, you'll be fine.)

   

Seriously, never pay more than $4 for a pupusa. That is a tidbit I'm re-gifting to you from college.

Gay Pope Cher Doesn't Hate Gay People

My girlfriend told me Cher is a homophobe, and I flipped my shit.

I was like, "What do you mean Gay Pope Cher hates gay people?"

It was heart breaking. It was painful. I had no way to check if what she had said was true because I am the only person, besides my girlfriend, from Seattle that doesn't have a smart phone and we were in the car. My back hurt, my vision blurred. It was worse than when I found out that Cher's last tour was the Farewell Tour and I may have missed the boat on that party and that my girlfriend had gone and that she hated every minute of it.

This was worse.

So everyone is on the same page, Cher's daughter, Chastity Bono, is gay. Well, now she is a man named Chaz Bono. My girlfriend told me that Cher kicked him (when he was a her) out of the house.

Initially, and this is according to Cher, she reacted in a very "un-Cher way." She was upset, though claimed to be "unwilling to admit it to herself", not unaware. She was "devastated." This devastation came before the gender reassignment surgery, when her child went to fight for gay rights.

Reading this, I was devastated. Cher, have you been to one of your concerts?

EVERYONE IS GAY BESIDES YOU.  

I was a ship without a rudder drifting aimlessly at sea and I had no captain. I was a Bishop without my Pope. If I could turn back time I would have never, ever put Heart of Stone in Spain when I was getting my shoes on to head out of the closet. 

I realized that for the first time in my life, I hated something and it was Cher.

However, after my initial heartbreak, I finished the article I was reading. I imagined it would be closure to Cher and my relationship but instead I promptly went and downloaded her anthology for a second time.

Cher came around and currently is doing things in a very Cher way, again. Thank god.

Now, Cher actually wants to strangle Marcus Bachmann, once again her words, not mine. He thinks gay people are "barbarians" that need to be cured. She wants to strangle him with a feather boa. I can't decide if it is hers or his she would use to strangle him. Using his would be more ironic but hers would probably be stronger and he has a pretty thick neck at the top of that fat ass so she is going to need a good one.

Check her Twitter, she has been blowing it up over how she is going to go borrow sequins from Crazy Eyes Bachmann's husband and stuff. I wonder of crazy those eyes would be if Cher showed up on their subsidy-funded house doorstep

In more Cher news, her new album comes out next month and she has a duet with Lady Gaga on it. The song is called "The Greatest Thing" as they must have been feeling extremely literal that day.

If they go on tour together I am going to die and go to gay heaven.

Like that.

A Mobile Disco Goes Mobile

I have been everywhere but at the computer for the last two weeks.

#1:  New York City
I went to NYC for the first time and it was like spending an entire weekend inside of a very hot, crowded aquarium. I did originally have hope because I had read that the heat wave had broken over the city's asphalt shores, but failed to realize that a heat wave breaking for New Yorkers is still fifteen (500) degrees warmer than any day in Seattle.

Also, my hotel, courtesy of my employer, was right in Times Square, the WORLD'S WORST PLACE.

Complaining aside, it is important to note that I didn't die, but I did go to 24 gay weddings in Central Park. It was an event called Pop Up Chapel, which was put on by eight of our ULC Ministers. Astoundingly beautiful and touching, this event, at least temporarily, helped me find some humanity and decency in the Marriage Equality debate.

Look:


I literally cried the whole time, or it was sweat. I can't be sure looking back because it was one big, happy, protest free blur. The only time we thought we saw a protester was actually a man selling bike tours and the conversation went like this:
Me: Why don't you agree with gay marriage?
Bike Tour Salesman:  Bike tour?
Me:  Bike tour.

Looks to me like NYC no longer cares about queers going to get hitched because even when we spent all day rubbing it in everyone's sweaty faces, no one cared. Or maybe it was too hot.

#2 SHAMBHALA (Nelson, BC, Canada)

The second trip I went on I left for just days after I arrived home from New York City and it was JUST AS HOT. Seattle must have the coldest summers of all time. This was more of an undertaking as it was a fourteen person, international road-trip to what can only be describe as "some serious hippy shit."

Shambhala:  Canada's premier electronic music festival.

Getting there was quite the adventure. I'll spare you the details, but just know that we got stuck in some two-bit horse and buggy town called Princeton for awhile and found out that beer in Canada is like $12 for the worst six pack available.

No booze but everything else was welcome. Not being much of a raver or a hippy, I was a loving and benevolent (swearing and slave-driving) DD. While I would love to tell you that I had a great time plastering myself up against some sub-stacks while I let the sound own my soul, that didn't happen. I did see someone doing that though, they had pupils the size of Jupiter's moons.

Overall, it was a great trip. The sun would come up and in fifteen minutes you would burst forth from your tent almost naked and dripping sweat, scrambling to find sunscreen so you could drag yourself over to the river and plant yourself in it.

I am also not much of a schedule master, in fact, I didn't look at it once. Shambs is a 24 hour musical festival (well, 22, the music was off from 10AM-Noon, which left the campgrounds eerily silent) so the schedule was awful confusing to look at. This is my way of saying I didn't really see any of the big names, but I did see some music, cause I was there.

Two people you don't know about but should:

ill-esha


dj laura/lowriders



Blow them up, because more hot chicks should be on stage.

Gay Marriage Protests, You’re Friends with the Westboro Baptist Church

On July 24^th, State Senator Ruben Diaz said, “Today we start the battle! Today we start the war!” and I was like, “who is Ruben Diaz?”

For all those who don’t know, July 24^th was the first day gay marriage licenses began being issued in New York State. Almost 3,000 people turned out to protest people they don’t know being in love while almost 830 couples were issued licenses.


Also, Ruben Diaz is the State Senator from Bronx County in New York, the only Democrat to vote against the marriage equality bill and a believer that because the state waived the 24 hour waiting period to file their marriage licenses (presumably because they had already waited 40 years to do it) all the issued licenses were "illegal and criminal." So he is suing the state over it. A Pentecostal minister, he is taking God's word (queers, you go home with no marriage license!) to the street. And everyone knows that is the only thing God ever said.

God obviously isn't interested in teaching people math because between the 1,700-ish people who got married + guests = more proponents than bigots. There were so many people there that there were extra people who just held umbrellas and blocked protesters.

While Ruben “I’m-friends-with-the-Westboro-Baptist-Church” Diaz gets his queer gun; we will be on our honeymoons. Good luck with your lawsuit.

Also, his whole idea about annulling all gay marriages performed in New York puts him front and center for the Congressman with the worst priorities ever. Hey, Senator Diaz, why don’t you find a way to lower the dropout rate in your district. I would make fun of it using up to date numbers, but when searching the county health rankings, your county's was unlisted like you forgot to turn it in, or something.

Actually, I am being too hard on the man.

His congressional district has the second highest, not the highest, teen pregnancy rate. A victory with about (only!) 15,000 more than the average county in New York State. A whopping 55% of people age 25 or older have graduated from high school and that’s more than half. The average income of Bronx county is only twenty thousand dollars less than the median for New York and your district only doubles the average poverty rate at 28% compared to 14%.

Fighting gay marriage is what you need to be doing, Senator Diaz, because if people you don’t know are doing things that you can’t see and don’t affect you, it should be fought tooth, nail and sinker because you feel like God thinks its icky. You are doing the people’s work.


Hey, you know what, run for President. With that laser-like focus on the important issues, you are sure to win.

In better news, my friend Erinn Peet-Lukes was on the radio and she was great (and not friends with the Westboro Baptist Church!) She was on the Bob Rivers Show, check it out!

An Idea to Improve the World

I propose we change the definition of gay panic to something that makes more sense.

And, in fact, we could feel free to completely eliminate the concept of what it means currently and I bet everyone's standard of living would go up. Everyone, everywhere.

For those who don't know, gay panic is a term used in the court room. Actual courtrooms, not just the ones on TV. The gay panic defense is a legal defense for when a homophobe decides to kill a gay person because of unwanted sexual advances. The dick, Brandon McInerney used when he was in the court room.

It started when Gwen Araujo was killed a few years ago. Apparently when they found out she was actually born a he, they got so worked up that they panicked and killed her. Fortunately, the jury is instructed not to considering their verdict, so that is kind of nice. Whatever, he should go to jail forever. Sorry you had shitty parents who taught you to hate gays.

Anyway, I came up with some alternate meanings for the word that, I think, would be better served by be the meaning behind "gay panic".
+ in economic terms, the gay panic is the change in Bible sales when gays begin moving into a town. (nobody gets shot)
+ when Cher tickets are going on sale and your iPhone is dead
+ when someone demands a gay become hysterical (gay, panic!)
+ what results after the phrase "YOU LOST MY DOGS?!"

In better news, New York City starts allowing people to get gay marriage certificates today. They started issuing gay marriage licenses and  its the Lord's day.  Granted, there was a massive protest, I like to think of it as "we love to hate love" protests. The protesters? Christians who hate love.

Here is what you are protesting

More terrifying than nuclear weapons.